Scary as Hell

Because I’m on deadline, naturally, I watched some really bad and unnecessary television today. Two shows, in particular, scared shows the hell out of me. Nightmares to ensue.

The first show was one of those investigative channel, figure-out-why-she-died type of shows. Something about a marriage gone wrong, did husband murder her or not, turns out he didn’t, but wait maybe he did, blah, blah. After many years, new evidence surfaced which required a team of investigators to exhume the body. Note YEARS later. The autopsy dude (probably not the title on his business card) was so excited about how in- tact the body was after all that time. And then they showed it! The dead, decayed body! First, the opening the coffin…and then its contents. She was still holding a picture someone placed in her hands prior to the big send off to the sky (let’s hope.) She still had her hair (curly) and even some skin. (I know, ewwww.) But wait! There’s more! THEN they showed what she looked like after they cleaned her off. Now that’s the stuff nightmares are made of people, maybe not  yours….but mine.  I keep trying to busy myself with other things around the house but every time I pause for just a second, I get that visual and I kick myself for giving that show more than a half second of my time. Like I said, scary as hell.

Moving on.

I admit to a few guilty pleasure shows but rarely get to watch any of them thanks to my crazy schedule and those two kids the hospital sent home with me. However, today I caught up on one of them — Tough Love. Side note: First of all, I’m guessing Steve is the perfect guy, right? Somehow (because his mother says so, it appears) he is now some expert on everything these women do wrong (although my five year old could point out the error of their ways, too) and he knows everything about how a man thinks, what a man wants, and what a woman needs to do to ensure she’ll never check "single" on a form at the dentist’s office again. (Double side note — why does the dentist care if I’m single, married, divorced, or other? Do tell.) Anyway, if Steve’s so smart and perfect, shouldn’t all these Tough Love women try to date Steve????
     So, back to scary… in this particular episode, the all-knowing and often angrier-than-necessary Steve has Hollywood make-up artists make each chick look 40 years older. OH C’MON, they’re all in the 25 range today. If the way they look post make-up is the new 65, then please let me end it all today. Seriously. I’m fine to get off the bus right now. No wonder they were so horrified. I’ve seen younger-looking women at my granny’s Alzheimer’s nursing home. Argh.
      After their extreme (-ly awful) makeover, they go into a room and witness a mock SWA meeting. (I know right? Why would anyone stage a pretend Southwest Airlines meeting?) Actually, no, turns out the meeting was Single Women Anonymous. That’s when I got somewhat scared. Is the desperation so bad out there that we should now be embarrassed to be single? We need meetings? We need to be anonymous? At what point am I supposed to consider attending something like this? So many things to consider. Again, moving on.
      You have to see this show to appreciate its hilarity, or lack thereof, but after the shock of seeing what they might look like in 40 years (if indeed they age at a rate of 10 years annually), they listened to a panel of three older single women (probably in their late 60s or early 70s who actually look their age) tell them why they are single at this stage of their life and recount the mistakes they made that caused them to suffer such an awful fate of permanent singlehood. The girls listened, horrified, as one woman explained how she had never been married or had children (GASP). Another explained that she wasted too much time chasing a married man (as the camera pans to the chick who recently admitted dating a married man….sorry sugar). Another married for the wrong reasons and ultimately got divorced, and just about the time she found a new love, he passed away. Wiping their tears, the girls all agreed they could never, ever let this happen to them! They had to hurry up and get married NOW! They saw the light! They’re going to do everything Steve tells them to do from now on. They realized if they don’t hook up now and slam Steve’s token promise ring they wear around their necks on some poor sap’s hand this very instant, they would eventually wind up horror of all horrors….single forever!
        I can’t decide what scared me the most….watching the sheer magnitude of mascara that can run down Taylor’s face when she cries; Taylor’s confusing hair extensions; enduring Tanisha, period; imagining the hole in Angel’s pierced dimple when an earring’s not in it; Angel’s teeth; enduring Rocky, period; watching bad-drunk Jenna literally drag a guy into a hug; or …..actually somewhat identifying with these sappy, single, and pathetically desperate chicks’ fears about growing old alone. When one of the older women on the panel said something along the lines of “my life has turned out so sad and lonely,” I realized that good ‘ol Steve is, in fact, a genius.
         If he can’t TEACH these girls how to get a guy the old fashioned way by locking them up in a mansion-style boot camp for six weeks and then unleashing them on men at lame pool parties armed with only a bikini and a steady supply of margaritas, then he can just scare the hell out of them with major wrinkles, saggy boobs, grey hair, ugly old lady pajamas, and a lifetime of solitude. See, told ya – scary as hell.

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3 Responses to Scary as Hell

  1. Stephanie says:

    Thanks, now I\’m trying not to imagine dead lady. How do you type the sound vomit makes? Imagine that right …. here! Haha!Glad to see you around again, we miss you!

  2. BP says:

    I should never be one to criticize what one watches, especially considering how many television shows I follow, but that last one sounds a bit out there to me. Who is this Steve guy? I\’ve never known a male who knew what women wanted. There was a few years where I knew more about what women who were 30 to 35 wanted, but actually that was just what I thought. It wasn\’t based in reality.Great to see you\’re still around.Unfortunately I haven\’t been doing much writing and it definitely shows and my inability to convey my thoughts in a manner which I would really like.

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